I don't know what it is with some guys, but often on their way out, they just feel like taking a bite out of your heart. I'm not quite sure why they feel a need to do it. Is it like a souvenir that a serial killer takes, or do they simply take the bite and then spit it out afterward?

The last few guys I've been dating have really known exactly where to bite so as to deliver maximum pain. Perhaps they see the spot where others have bitten and where the wound is healing, and they just decide to open the wound once more. It's not at all pleasurable like the whole "Vampire Thing" is supposed to be. No, these blood-suckers deliver something really unpleasant.

For example, Peter (not his real name) drove all the way in from New Jersey to take me to the Metropolitan Museum to try to show off his art knowledge, only to find out I can run circles around him with art (and many, many other things), and afterwards he wines and dines me. I don't know whether it was the art thing or the fact that I didn't want to eat in a diner (at my suggestion we wound up going to a place that would be about the same in price as a diner, but at least had some atmosphere), but ultimately, he tells me - as he's feeling me up before dropping me off - "I don't know when I'll be coming back into the City." It's a strange feeling to have a man's tongue down your throat, while he's simultaneously (well, almost) telling you he doesn't know when he's going to see you again. And we're talking about a river separating us, not an ocean! Ultimately, he emailed to tell me "I can't give you what you're looking for in a partner." Wow! I guess not. After all, my partner better be able to tell me that to my face, rather than to shoot me an email saying "Good-Bye". 

But still, does that mean my expectations are just too high? Have I set my sights on something so unrealistic that no one can deliver? I hope not, but it still hurts to think that there is somehow some sort of blame on me in the rejection: "If only you'd lower your expectations, kid, maybe you could get what you want...."

Most recently Evan (not his real name either) gave me a verbal wack. This guy puts in the Natalie Cole CD "Unforgettable" and is singing to me on our third date with such melodrama that you would never believe that several days later (and no, we didn't sleep together), he calls me up to call it quits, but not before telling me (a well educated, successful professional, who has it all compared to him, anyway), "You're very aggressive!"  Hey, listen, bub, it wasn't me who was saying "Unforgettable, that's what you are...." Indeed, you're trying to make yourself unforgettable by leaving a big giant bite mark! It's certainly more definite than the bite marks you left while we were kissing! (Indeed, because I'm a passionate person I'm not a tentative kisser (understatement if I'm really into the guy), and I don't like to be kissed by someone who just isn't quite sure what he's doing.) Still, I can't help thinking about Evan every time I hear "Unforgettable." I guess I won't be playing that as the theme song at my wedding!

I could tell you that I have heard a hundred of these kind-of one-liners. Indeed, I have.  But I wish I hadn't. Instead, I wish I had heard a hundred "most romantic lines ever" that were all from Mr. Right. Basically, I have five of those kind of lines from Mr. Almost Right, and I cherish them. As for the "Take Another Piece of My Heart" statements, I would like to push the erase button, so I don't have to hear them replayed in my head sometimes when I'm lying in bed alone and wondering what I did wrong. My girlfriends remind me it's not my fault. I hope it's not. And I hope that Peter and Evan do find the women of their dreams - and I hope when they do, they'll be able to heal the bites that have scarred their lovers' hearts. As for me, I'm still waiting for "the one." I hope he comes along soon....