A person who is lucky enough to be in a relationship during the holiday season is either excited by the prospect of meeting his or her significant other’s family for the first time (or if you’ve met before, sharing some of the holiday joy), OR is dreading it more than a shot at the doctor’s office. Why is it a great opportunity for some and for others a bit of a nightmare? Perspective, of course, is everything.

Some people have wonderful holiday memories. Others, unfortunately, do not. If you are in the latter category, you have to understand that not everyone has unpleasant interactions with family members during the holidays. For some people it’s all pass the turkey and lots of laughs, but if your family was more of the type where you had to watch out for the “carving knife in your back” scenario, then it’s understandable that you may have some trepidations about joining your significant other’s family for a holiday celebration.

Whatever pressure you’re feeling, however, should not stand in your way. The holiday season is a perfect time to meet your special someone’s family, as the spirit of the holidays should make them even more receptive to meeting you or getting to know you better, if you’ve already been acquainted.

Once you’ve made the decision to join in the holiday fun, the question becomes, what do you need to bring with you to the family gathering and how should you act? And then, after it’s all over, do you give the gathering the “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” with your significant other? Let’s take the easy question first.

What To Bring With You To Your Significant Other’s Family

The holiday season is all about gift giving. And let’s be frank: While it’s true the thought is what counts, it is important to get the gift right, too (especially if you’re bringing a gift to your future mother-in-law)!

What should you bring? You’ll need to ask some questions to find out what would be appropriate. Your significant other may or may not be able to tell you exactly what to bring, but he or she can give you some guidance if you just know the right questions to ask.

There are three categories of gifts that one generally cannot go wrong with. First, are flowers and plants. Unless someone in the family has an allergy to flowers or plants, then you should ask: What types of flowers or plants they have already? What types of flowers or plants they like? And is there anyone else that always brings this type of gift to the gathering? Indeed, you don’t want to bring just one of five bouquets that, by the time you arrive, they have to search high and low for a vase to put them in.

Second, there is the gift of wine, champagne or even sparkling cider. (If there are any alcoholics in the family – opt for the cider!) You have to ask: Will it be a roast beef night or a honey glazed ham night, a turkey night or a fish night?. The answer to that question may determine whether you should buy red or white wine. Of course, if someone in the family doesn’t like red wine, even if red meat will be served, then you may want to bring red and white to be safe. And of course, you need to know how many people will be expected. After all, one bottle of wine to serve ten people just isn’t enough.

Third, there are always sweets. And I don’t mean necessarily a cake or cookies, but chocolates, ice-cream, dried fruit and nuts or even fresh fruit (especially good if anyone in the family is on a restricted diet for medical or other reasons). If you’re a great baker or you live near a superior bakery, you may want to bring something sweet, but be sure to ask whether that’s okay, as indeed, you don’t want to insult Aunt Lucy’s Apple Pie, if that’s the family favorite.

You probably want to avoid picture frames and nick-knacks as gifts. Picture frames could be too “suggestive.” Are you expecting to be added to the family photo album sometime soon? And nick-knacks may or may not fit into the home’s particular style.

When in doubt: You can always have your significant other just ask the hostess what you should bring. Just be sure not to come empty-handed.

And make sure when you bring it that you give it to the hostess. Don’t just set it on the table. It’ll get used before anyone even recognizes that you brought it. And a gift that is unnoticed is equivalent to having not brought a gift at all.

How To Act Around His Or Her Family

Now that you’re at the home and you’ve given the hostess your gift, you’re off to a good start. You’re on a roll…; don’t blow it by acting too “mushy” or “lovey-dovey” – especially if this is the first time you’ve met the family.

Your significant other’s family is going to be sizing you up from all angles. Are you someone that is kind and loving? Does their relative like you enough to consider making you “the one”? Do you fit in with the family? Can they see you as one of them? (Note: they will be looking at you to see if you’re sizing them up, as well….)

You’ll get a lot of questions like, how long have you been going out? That’s an easy one. Just tell the truth. But inevitably, one of the more noisy relatives will ask something like “Where do you see the relationship going?” or “Wouldn’t you like to marry our….” Don’t fall into the trap of answering this question in a way that makes it sound like you are so eager to get married that anyone will fit the bill or that you’re pushy and will railroad the person into marriage. (Don’t solicit help from the family to get to your marriage-goal, by the way; that’s almost always a tactic that will backfire.)

You should answer the more noisy questions about your relationship with humor and light-heartedness. Don’t act too serious. You should be yourself, but you don’t have to tell every dark secret desire of your heart. You may know already that he or she is “the one,” but revealing this to the family needs to be on terms that your significant other accepts. It’s that person’s family – not yours…yet!

After The Festivities, “Debriefing” Your Significant Other

You’ve eaten the delicious food; watched the football game or movie as you digested the meal; and had “chat-time” with the family. You eventually leave and return to your one-on-one relationship. What do you say about the family gathering?

Hopefully you’ve had a good time with his or her family. And if you did, then you can say what you feel, being careful not to get too comfortable too soon with the possible future in-laws, as that may make your significant other feel pressured.

But if you didn’t have a good time, do you say so? This is tricky. You should generally tell the truth, but if someone in his or her family made you feel bad, said the wrong thing, wasn’t that friendly, or you just don’t like big families, for example, you have to step lightly.

If this was just the first time you’ve met them, then you may just have been feeling overwhelmed by the prospect. Or perhaps the general holiday pressure got to you.

Ultimately, how you felt about the event will determine whether you’ll want to spend time with his or her family in the future. If there is “something there,” you need to be honest, so that there can be no misunderstandings about where this relationship could go and how his or her family will fit into it. If all goes well, you’ll be spending lots of time with your significant other’s family – for future holidays and more!